Five Embarrassing Things … I’ve Truly Done
Before having my son all of the things I’m about to tell you would have been truly horrifying to me. Things I would have thought only a lunatic would do . . . but instead these are my stories. To bring a smile to your face and be real vulnerable I’m going to share these with the world, because at the end of the day, and the beginning and frankly the middle and the middle of the night…well we are all human.
1 Crying at Pizza Hut Delivery Guy. Intrigued aren’t you. Why would a grown woman cry at the random pizza person who answered the phone? Well let me tell you, I was pregnant. I really don’t have to explain more, but it is too funny not to. So I was pregnant with my sweet son and I was so hungry and craving a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza, you know that ones from Book It. Totally just dated myself. Anyways so I call and ask for an extra cheese personal pan pizza to be delivered to my place of employment. The gentlemen says to me “We can’t deliver that, its under $6.” I burst into tears, like a flood worthy of sobbing tears and I say “But I’m pregnant and I’m hungry.” Flustered the man on the other end of the phone says “I’m sorry miss, it has to be more than $6 to deliver.” I cry some more and say thanks and hang up. While telling my friend who sits next to me what just happened, yes still crying, she says “why didn’t you just order breadsticks too?” I stared at her in bewilderment marched my waddling self back to my office and called that man back and promptly ordered an extra cheese personal pan pizza and a side order of breadsticks. #thankgoodnessforfriends #pregnantlady
2 Desperately Seeking Sugar. One day I was stuck in traffic, which we all know sucks. I had had a particularly crappy day and I just wanted to be home. I missed lunch I was so busy and my stomach was about to eat my spleen . . . what does a spleen do anyways? I looked down at the half eaten sucker in the random cup in my car . . . it had been there for at least a week. You know what I did, I ate that sucker my son had left behind, and you know what . . . it was still good.
3 Just Grab a Fork. One evening the timer dinged and my homemade, delicious, Tater-Tot Hotdish was done. I opened the oven door and went to pull it out of the oven and the glass pan slipped from my grip and toppled down onto the floor. I stared at it for a minute in horror. Supreme horror. Then I sat down on the kitchen floor, fork in hand and started eating. No hotdish goes unloved in this house.
4 By Golly I’m Over-Prepared. I wander into the bathroom for those sacred couple of stolen minutes at work where you finally get to pee and I go to pull down my panties, and find not one, but two pairs. In my good morning mama-stupper I have over-prepared for the day. I burst out laughing, which I’m sure terrified the other bathroom-goers, but what else do you do when you find out why you had a massive wedgie for the first half of the day?
5 Just Saving a Little Snack for Later. While attending a meeting with seven other adults. See how I used that word, adults, because I guess I am one, but you decide after reading this . . . we are sitting around a board room discussing important marketing details. It is winter . . . in Minnesota . . . so it is bloody cold. I adjust my infinity scarf and see a tiny orange piece of heaven hiding among the cream crocheted beauty of my scarf. Mid sentence I reach down and pull the coveted Cheeto from my scarf and pop it in my mouth. Still think I’m a candidate for adulthood? Well the other seven adults in the room broke out laughing. If nothing else I’m entertaining.
6 I’m Hungry and I have to Pee. Need I say more? Well one day in a meeting they had bagels and cream cheese . . . carbs and cheese, my favorite! So I smear up a bagel and set it delicately on a napkin by my notebook. Now I don’t get to eat the bagel, I just get to look at it. I’m in a meeting and I have to be ready to speak like a well-versed professional, not a barefoot weirdo shoving a bagel in her mouth. So I don’t eat it. As I exit the meeting, bagel in hand, I realize I am closer to the bathroom than my office. What do I do? I’m hungry and I have to pee. I look down the long hall toward my office and I look longingly at bathroom door . . . a compromise is necessary. I wrap the bagel tightly in the napkin and promptly shove it in my bra and march proudly into the bathroom. I proceed to tinkle, wash my hands of course and exit the bathroom, pull the bagel from my bra and eat it. Best day ever.